Man, Management at any large corporation is stupid. I just finished reading about some poor mommy boy finding out about his blog and MicroAssholes busting people about some guy that blogged about Getting shipments of Mac G5s This poses just one Question:

What are you fucking morons afraid of? This is becoming a free exchange society. You pissant corporations treat your trophies and companies under your wing one and the same. Goddam when was the last time you spoke to your wife you controlling asshat? All show, No know. Great. Keep everyone stupid, and keep your millions. Communicate assholes.

I hate newspapers because of their invasiveness, I hate software companies because they think they can pee farther in the snow then x--- company. I hate computer manufacturers because you must fit within "their box" and DDR memory is all the rage. Yay for us.

You idiots. Go fishing for once. And not with a Microsoft-built or Apple-built, or Sun, or Unix, or, or or, any fish finder either princesses.

If I ever hear the word "upsell" or "You should HAVE pointed them to another one of our great products" spoken to me again because my numbers are low this month, I'm taking that boss for a smoke break in the alley.

I've decided. The Blog will continue. And maybe let reader commentary be added, tho I'll probably just read it for my own enjoyment. I'm an opinion whore. Your thoughts screw me, and then you need to go away. It's just that easy.

Note for today? Reflecting back now at the paper, there was this HousePainterGuy that put in regular monthly ads. He referenced to his work day by speaking Latin when putting an ad in each time he came in. He was always more a show in person than the HorsePeople. At least he was fun to watch. I could have been playing charades or Pictionary with the fool just to put in a his $6 ad. He drips paint. His workers drop shit. BUT: how does one put an ad in IN LATIN any way for this:

Professional painter. Free Quotes, Call ___-____. Professional references, quick turn around. Low rates, Call me. Free moss removal.

$500 bucks to anyone that can translate that into latin (PigLatin doesn't count you fuckers). He tried to.....no I'm serious, HE tried to. He thought it was funny quirky take on putting in an ad a couple months ago. Now that I'm thinking about it, The only people that study latin are those that well, study latin and attorneys that try to one up each other's bullshit in court. That's what? .002% of the population? Nah dude, nobodys gonna understand your fucking PainterGuy ad....in latin. Having talked to you already, you DO good work on your house painting. I checked your shit. However, I might have ya paint mine next year. Maybe. But I'll just mow the lawn while you do so's I don't have to listen to your latin bullshit dance. Bring your attorney. He can watch it dry.

I'm gonna quit before I get started on that one.

Today.....or. let's say last week. Thyne job is done. I'll take up the Horse People issue, Gypsy Chicks, and the Son of Sam issues later. For the moment, I'll just enjoy NOT having to deal with their shit anymore. I'll rest with the thought that crazy people that place ads in newspapers actually exist---and I've dealt with them now.

Y'all are fucking nuts. You're selling WHAT?

I'm not going to comment on one of the last ads I placed, but people bitch about porn and dirty magazines and sex toy shops, and strip clubs, rezoning et al. Porn is the least of your problems. Maybe getting laid might help with your focus when placing a $6 ad. Some of your methods of advertising scare the hell out of me.

Advertising is all about screwing your neighbor, OR making it look good when you own a tree farm.

Please.

Q: Which is worse to deal with?

1) Bulimic sales managers on power trips with 3 hour commutes each way every day or.....

2) BiPolar Sales people that "forget" their medicine 3 times a day even though their lithium is only needed once a day.

3) Working with both at the same time.

The above statements are true.


That said, people call in ads selling some of the wierdest shit I really didn't care to think about. Or keep thinking about........

I take in an ad, typed out all Johnny from "The Shining" style stuffed in a small envelope in our outside mailbox. Also paid only half in cash what it normally costs to run an ad. OK. No biggie. Some old codger hasn't run and ad in 20 years and just forgot the new rates.

Then I read it and began to wonder. ...I'll type it in here.

Goat meat. large buck, not neutered. appx 150#. 3 yrs old. please call XXX-XXX-XXXX

OK what the fuck? Goat meat? Got sacrifice? 3 years old? Got smoked goat sacrifice meat? Teriyaki never sounded so yummy! Goatyaki? Who the hell are you dude?

After my initial confusion and realising we get all kinds here at the paper, I did my usual checking. On account? Placed ads in the past? what's the do/don't manual say about this? Is it ethical to sell goat meat without a USDA licence # on file? Call the customer to confirm that's really what they want in the ad?

I found jack shit in our databases. Except for ONE previous entry.

They SHE had an ad in 2 weeks ago for a.... 3 yr old male goat for sale. She returned my call later today quoting "my first ad didn't to diddly shit for me so I put the thing in again", and hung up, promising to bring in the unpaid part of her ad over the weekend, even though we're closed.

STOP......stop my shit right HERE. What? I put 2 and 2 together and now I got it.....lady you USED to have a 3 yr old male goat, not neutered, for sale and NOW you have GOAT MEAT for sale, that used to be a 3 yr old goat. You goddam freak. You KILLED it? And you're selling the meat in the classifieds? Why not eat it yourself you fucking witch? What? hubby doesn't look good in goat skin and horns playing a flute?

I'm not making this up. This lady actually disposed of a perfectly good (I assume too much) livestock, and wants to pimp off it's carcass in the newspaper. And all this coming the day after The Green River Killer admitted guilt for killing 48 people. I'm so glad I'm leaving this mess. People are nuts.

Aside from that previous entry I had to check with the Classifieds TuffGuy Guru that knows all this crap. Took 7 hours for him to call me back, but ahyhoo......I had to confirm wether it was ACTUALLY ok as per company policy to place the ad.

Well, apparently as long as it's just domestic livestock it's just fine to run an ad but Jethro can't sell off his venison if he shot it or hit it with a truck last week. Or anything else "wild" that gets blown away on weekends. No mention about dogs or cats, nor did I actually want an answer to that one.

However, it's just fine if Mary Mother of Satan kills her pet goat and sells the meat thru the newspaper. I wonder what else she sells? How to practice VooDoo in 9 easy steps?

People of Earth™ Some of you scare the shit out of me.

I'm done.......Assuming I can sleep tonight.

This post will be short and sweet. More on the short and less on the sweet. HR Queen Mistress in today with Sales Manager Queen interviewing for my job all day today. I feel so speshul. I created this little drama for them. At least I was honest about getting the hell out of here. .....the.....part.....that...made Queen mistress of 1000 employees sit in a satellite office that she hates coming to and park her azz all day to interview my replacements. Go ahead baby, I dropped the bomb, you get to pick up the pieces. I could have handed you a worse case. But then HR is another world of freaks. And Sales Queen had to deal with your OSHA and ergonomics shit all day.

I almost forgot it was election day. But then I do it absentee style.

Wierd day. Telling spiffy shiny potential hires, "Oh? You're here for MY job!" That fucked them all up. YES you ARE here for my job. And NO, I don't give a shit. Really. Come work the other side of the counter. It's safe. For now. I wasn't an asshole about it but imagine this: shiny prima donnas come in with resumes and retort with "yep, yer here for what I'm sitting here doing" just fucks them all up. Must have been 70 people this week. Glad I'm not doing the interviews, the other sales people know I'm fucking with people.

Heh. And for my last act........

Now as my illustrious graphics-career-turned-satanic-heathen-telemarketer draws to a close, I'm going to put off my rage that the horse people give me and redirect some of that displeasure towards outside sales people, in defense of newspaper graphic artists around the world that have to put up with your shit every deadline day.

1). Get off our case about "style" What the fuck do you mean that's not what the customer wanted? YOUR shitty interpretation of the client's wants and needs are magnified by us trying to figure out all this shitty chicken scratch ad copy you turn in......30 minutes before dead line. We'd do a better job but then we want YOUR commission for being such wonderful linguists. Don't bitch when your _____ Jewelers ad comes back with cartoony stick people on it. Garbage in Garbage out.

2) Learn to take pictures. I don't give a shit if you're in a hurry, or if it's raining or an electromagnetic pulse fried your digital camera. It's your customer, your photos. What's that? It's 9pm, in a car dealership in a back lot of a black mustang? I don't fucking see a thing in this photo. Don't expect much. Move away from ropes, chains, sun glares or anything else that's in the way of your SLR or view finder. Objects do not magically disappear when you push the shutter button. And even Photoshop has it's limitations (namely our attitude towards you when you take 56 photo that are similarly fucked up)

3) Stop being such psychos on deadline days. Is that commish THAT important as having your clients' ads made to their liking.......correctly? They're YOUR customers, learn to work them a bit and get things straight.

4) Respect your GAs when they're in the office till midnight fixing your errors in ad copy, photos, and pulling a good idea out of our ass to make you look good for just one more day. You'd be surprised what can happen to your ad when you piss us off when you've gone home 7 hours earlier and now we're just an hour from press time. Ever wonder why we're so giggly 2 days later? Think about it.....

5) Proofred, profreed, profread, proofread. It's as simple as that. We have to just about retype Tolstoy novels each week for your car dealers, let alone fix your shitty photos to go with each car. We're going phuck something up. Find the errors before you place the blame you twit. There's no "I" in team so stop being such a pushy asshat and communicate with us.

6) GAs tend to be a fussy bunch. Get over it. That's just how it goes. We got our own styles and intrests that don't necessarily include the rest of mainstream 'merica. However with free lunches and more booze we can be surprisingly pliable. But don't make a habit of it......not the _____ anyway.

7) Don't give me this shit about how you had taken an art course in college and 15 years later you're a critic of our "work". You can't even draw stick figures in your sleep. YOU work for the CUSTOMER, not yourselves, remember? We really don't give a shit about your personal taste but we'll sure as hell make some fine ass groovy stuff for your clients. And they buy us lunch.

8) Deadlines are OUR deadlines, not your customers. Why do you keep forgetting that? We're the masters of time management, you could pick up the slack here people and become better client managers.

9) Learn a little something about color if you're going to be in advertising sales. And I'm not talking just about what's defined as "red". Learn your CMYK, and the difference between process and spot color. This way something you thought sould be "dark blue" doesn't come out "purple" when the presses are done. Communication is the key and don't get snotty about it. We're here for you salespeople. Really. Just quit being such petulant crybabies that make $90k a year. Oh yeah.....you've got a run in the heel of your nylons.

Sucker. Shit bitch I could tell you anything and you'd look.

I'm done. Horse people...........you're next.

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS.............

Word out on the street today that they're hiring for my new position. Managers asking skewed questions, General managers sizing up everyone in the offices. HR directors asking "So you're leaving us? I discussed with the South GM about your severance. Sorry to hear ya go. I likes ya". Well not shit sherlock, I told the GMs that already a month ago. YOU too. How you, the HR god of hundreds "forgot" previous chats-when we've talked almost everyother day-that I'm getting the hell out of Dodge I dunno.

I bet you likes me. You're a hard read from a peon standpoint. You're a little nutty compared to the Nazi HR FemDom director you replaced. Fuck that. TOTALLY nutty. Maybe more sane really considering You vs OSHA inspections of the "union kids on welfare".

Really. When todays grapevine grew, fucking everyone was calling me. How are you? What will you do? Hey i got a friend that lives 100 miles away that.....and and and and.

And shut the hell up already people. I'll call ya when I need ya. Send flowers when I'm dead, just not today. That shit is obvious.

I realized today something concerning Operations Directors and "Branding".....or should I say *cough* Corporate Empire building.

The current thought revolves around.....well.....more ShovingDownCustomersThroats™ way of thinking. And to think DirOps get to shove their way of thinking down several hundred others.

There's two words that are so underrated.

Prick
Bitch.

And all this garbage I heard over the grapevine when I told people a month ago "I'm not having much of a go at this". I dunno.

I'm apparently done. Sooner.