Great. District manager in today. How can we help you sell today? How is your transition? (in a slow melodic voice, but I think he's much keener than the Office Dick from the movie Office Space)I feel like a sex change, but I'll cut him slack that he's newer to the company than I am by over a year (he's been here 2 weeks). Did they brief you on what position I sold myself into today chief? I seriously hope you're not patronizing me into thinking that "telemarketing" is the job du jour with that "hey it's a great company" bullshit. I guess I shouldn't bitch much since Boeing workers in Seattle are working temp jobs nowadays.

Fuck that. I'll bitch anyway.

At least I can do my shit in full color without a disability that needs special ergonomics just to get me through the day before I commute. Fuck. Work from home people. that said:

Notes to people that want to Place A Better Classified Ad:

1). Don't smashallyourwordstogetherthinkingyoullsaveadollarbymakingitlookas ONE word. Pay the fucking 75 cents extra. It won't help you and YES I have the power to pull out your little fib. And don't expect me to suck up your story about your congestive heart failure into thinking that I'll just wing it for you. Either you pay it or it comes out of my check. Charity doesn't begin at 10 bucks an hour lady. Your pensions pay more. At least I have Dental for the teeth I have left.

2). Back with the Smashing Of Words thing....placing ads online won't help you here morons. What? corporate systems don't have automatic spell checks for things like "nazi" and "asshole" how did you think supercalifragilisticexpialidocious was going to fly into next week's ad? Oh yeah, I must have forgot: Online ads get manually checked, printed, proofed, and financially adjusted as per who puts your shit back in. Yes, you're getting a bill for the extra 30 words you tried to sucker us for. Don't bitch you liar.

3). Little boxes in those forms to fill in are hard to fill in for those that require a parking lot to fill in their ads with chalk. We know this. We're reasonable, we'll type them in for you assuming we can read through the Alzhiemers. Beyond that, leave a recording, in English. And don't bitch.

4). Newspapers are big biz. Get "Debbies" extension if you have an issue. "Debbie" doesn't help you much if there's 5 of them. In any department. Then you'll begin to understand why you people piss us off so much trying to find out which person contacted us. It'll help your blood pressure, trust me. That said, get names people. It's that easy. Newspaper telekids don't get off so easy, calls ACTUALLY DO get recorded. Not all, but there's a record.

5). Newspapers are a buzy biz. If I have to put your ass on hold 5 times in a ten minute call, stop with the bullshit that YOUR call is the THE one to make my day. The 5 others have the same issue. The less you're an asshole and more patient, the more I'm inclined to work with you. The other 4 have the same problem. This isn't like a grocery line, at least they can hide from the incoming.

6) Classified advertising is a crapshoot. Don't expect 4 lines of text out of 20 thousand per edition to make your shit look special. We'll help you out, but you're not going to find God at a newspaper to sell your 3 legged neutered pygmy goat.

6a) when selling a 3 legged pygmy goat, wording is the key. Leave off the 3 or the neutered. Maybe both. You might get more calls.

6b) Sell a fucking couch instead. People buy this stuff even if it's been pee'd on.

7) If no one calls, don't expect a free ad. You do your own whoring for your junk, not us. We can do that at home with out you.

8) Pay for your shit. 8 bucks for an ad to possibly make $4000?. Don't make us bill you. Our collections are your worst nightmare, we're pals with the Postal Service like a religion. We know people that know people. And yes, I've taken calls from legit PI's that I know are. Hide or sell your shit better.

I hope this helps. I have an even better story later when I'm done thinking how even more crazy people can be described. Might be you tomorrow. Don't fuck up. Enjoy!